Creating a Culture of Upstanders

In every school, an unspoken code often thrives on silence. School hallways, with their mix of laughter and learning, can also become breeding grounds for toxic behaviors like bullying, exclusion, and manipulation. For many kids, the easiest path is to look the other way—to stay silent rather than risk becoming a target. But silence feeds the cycle. If we want change, we must nurture a culture of upstanders—those brave individuals who choose to speak up, even when it’s hard.

What Is an Upstander, and Why Does It Matter?

An upstander is someone who courageously steps in to support others, challenges harmful behaviors, and breaks the cycle of silence that allows toxicity to thrive. In contrast to bystanders, who remain passive or complicit, upstanders act with empathy and conviction, inspiring change in their communities. Being an upstander isn’t easy. It requires vulnerability, courage, and an understanding that doing the right thing often comes with risks. Bullies frequently use scare tactics—intimidation, threats, or humiliation—to silence those who might challenge them. And it’s not just the bullies; silencers—bystanders who avoid action out of fear or apathy—reinforce the status quo.

For middle schoolers, where social dynamics can feel all-encompassing, standing up can feel like stepping into a hostile spotlight. Retaliation can take many forms: bullies might escalate, peers might withdraw, and, in extreme cases, physical violence may occur. This is a heavy burden for young adolescents just beginning to find their voices.

Toxic Manipulations in Middle School

Middle school is a critical time when social behaviors evolve and sometimes take a darker turn. Harmful behaviors often escalate to include:

Exclusion Games: Deliberately isolating someone to weaken their social standing and emotional support.
Rumor Mills: Spreading lies or half-truths to damage reputations.
Public Humiliation: Using social media, group chats, or public spaces to shame or embarrass someone.
Gaslighting: Invalidating someone’s feelings or experiences to create confusion and self-doubt.
Weaponized Silence: Ignoring harm or pretending not to notice, signaling tacit approval.
Physical Violence: Resorting to threats or harm to silence victims or intimidate others.

These toxic behaviors thrive in environments where silence is the norm and accountability is weak.

Schools Must Lead the Way

Schools play a pivotal role in creating a culture of upstanders. It’s not enough to acknowledge the issue; schools must take meaningful action:

Set Clear Expectations: Policies must be explicit, consistently enforced, and supported by visible consequences. Harmful behavior should have zero tolerance, and those who speak up must be protected.
Integrate SEL into the Curriculum: Social-emotional learning helps students recognize their emotions, develop empathy, and handle conflict constructively.
Train Teachers and Staff: Educators need tools to identify and address manipulative behaviors early, while modeling upstander behavior themselves.
Celebrate Courage: Publicly recognize students who demonstrate upstanding actions to reinforce the value of bravery and kindness.
Foster Ongoing Conversations: Create regular opportunities for dialogue about respect, empathy, and the impact of silence versus action.

Parents Play a Vital Role

Creating a culture of upstanders begins at home. Parents must:

Have Open Conversations: Talk regularly with children about standing up for themselves and others. Discuss the importance of empathy and courage in everyday interactions.
Pay Attention: Stay engaged by monitoring text messages, group chats, and social media for early signs of harmful behavior—whether as a victim, bystander, or participant.
Set Boundaries: Establish clear rules for respectful behavior online and offline, with consistent consequences for crossing those boundaries.
Model Upstander Behavior: Speak up when witnessing harmful behaviors in your community. Engage in difficult conversations with other parents and advocate for change with school administrators.

When parents demonstrate the courage to address issues head-on, they teach their children the power of integrity and action.

A Shared Responsibility

The responsibility to nurture upstanders belongs to both schools and families. This life lesson is not just as important as academics—it’s more important. By prioritizing this value, we empower students to stand up against harm and create a ripple effect that transforms communities. Creating a culture of upstanders is about more than ending bullying—it’s about raising a generation that values justice, empathy, and bravery. When students learn to speak out against harm, they’re not just protecting their peers—they’re creating a ripple effect, shaping the way to a more compassionate and equitable future.

Together, parents and educators can build the kind of culture where silence is no longer the easy path, and every child learns the power of their voice. The stakes couldn’t be higher. Our children are counting on us. Let’s rise to meet them.

Creating a Culture of Upstanders